I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm way too hungover for life right now
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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