I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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