I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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