Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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