My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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