Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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