Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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