you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
