i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize