I'm gonna have a badass scar
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
