I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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