peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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