I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
