I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
