Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
