She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
