Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize