I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
