Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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