he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
