the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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