think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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