Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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