I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
