So drunk its hurt
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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