This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
