Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
