My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
