thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
