Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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