Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
