can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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