I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
