and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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