I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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