this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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