I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
