Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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