My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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