I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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