you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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