I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize