So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
