i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
