I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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