Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
