When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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