My cat gives me a boner
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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