I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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