I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
