i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
