Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
