I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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