Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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