I cockslap morals
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
