I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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