I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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