Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
