cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
