btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
