dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
