made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize