I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
