Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
